In the heart of buzzing Bangkok is a restaurant that’s on a mission to get people using birth control. Tamara Pitelen drops by for Tod Mun Pla Krai (aka fried fish patties) and prophylactics.

“Our food is guaranteed not to cause pregnancy.” Phew! If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s unexpected impregnation via my dinner. This reassuring message at the entrance is the first clue that Cabbages & Condoms (C&C) is not your regular Thai restaurant.

The next clue is the life-size mannequin of Tiger Woods made entirely of coloured condoms behind the ‘please wait to be seated’ sign. That’s when you notice the whole place is a shrine to condoms. There’s a giant Santa Claus and various superheroes made of condoms, as well as condom flower arrangements and lampshades.

Then there’s the prophylactic humour. “No glove, no love!” proclaims a sign in the Captain Condom sports bar next to the restaurant. “Weapon of Mass Protection” reads a t-shirt. Fighting AIDS and poverty may be a serious business but at this jungle-style eatery in a back alley of Bangkok, they’re having a laugh about it.

Established by the Population and Community Development Association (PDA), C&C is one of Thailand’s largest and most successful private, non-profit development organisations.

PDA was founded in 1974 by former politician turned activist Mechai Viravaidya to promote family planning. The name Cabbages and Condoms comes from Mechai’s belief that for any family planning programme to be successful, birth control should be as accepted and accessible as vegetables in the market.

At the time, Thailand was producing an average of seven children per family and ignorance about birth control was widespread, particularly in the country’s rural areas. So, volunteers were recruited from each village to be responsible for promoting and providing birth control.

Which is all an extremely worthy cause but what’s the food like? Happily, it’s wonderful.

C&C offers an extensive menu of authentic Thai food all at very reasonable prices. The Tod Mun Pla Krai (deep fried fish patties) is 200 baht ($US6.50) and the Pla Ka Pong Nueng Se-ew (steamed whole bass with black soy sauce) is 350 baht ($US11.50). A small bottle of Thai beer called Singha is 90 baht ($US3); a Coke is 30 baht ($US1) while a bottle of Remy Martin is 2,100 baht ($US69).

There’s nothing posh about C&C, the ethos is casual dining. The tables are covered in checkered cloth and on the ground floor all the chairs are plastic garden furniture. The setting is lovely though, you eat beneath a canopy provided by trees in an indoor-outdoor jungle setting over two storeys.

The vibe is laid back and fun, the background buzz is chatter, live Thai music, the whirr of fan blades on full power, and a waterfall wall. It’s popular too though so ring ahead and book a table to avoid being turned away.

CONTACT

Cabbages & Condoms Restaurant Thailand

10 Sukhumvit Soi 12

Bangkok 10110 Thailand

For reservations, call [662] 229 4610

Email, restaurant@pda.or.th

www.pda.or.th/restaurant

Pip Cummings discovers a cave decorated with marigolds, incense and lingams in Krabi.

If there is paradise on earth, it’s to be found on the Railay Peninsula in Krabi, Southern Thailand, where the beach meets the jungle and sheer limestone islands rise from the sea.

If you can’t book at one of the resorts adjoining the beach, Holiday goddesses should still plan to pack a picnic lunch and take one of the ubiquitous longboats to the popular Phra Nang tourist beach, accessible only by water from Ao Nang. Trees overhang the upper reaches of the white sand and shade can also be found under the monumental cliffs overhanging the beach’s far end, which drip with gorgeous limestone stalactites.

The sputtering of the longboats’ outboard motors provide the only “traffic noise”, as the headlands and jungle render the peninsula inaccessible to the rest of the mainland, and hawkers were long ago dissuaded from abutting plying their trade on the sand by the resorts, aiming to create a haven for their guests. A walk or swim up the beach, through the warm Andaman waters, will be rewarded by one of the area’s quirkier attractions.

Garlands of marigolds adorn the interior of the impressive Phra Nang Cave, the site of a local shrine. Known locally as the Princess Cave, the cool, dark vault is scented by the smoke of many incense sticks and – most surprisingly – overflows with giant wooden phalluses (lingams), left here by fishermen in the hope of safe passage.

There are two main variations of the legend of Phra Nang. One holds she was the wife of a fisherman lost at sea, who held a vigil on this site until her death. Over time she is said to have become a soothsayer, who dispensed advice to the locals with oracle-like insight. The other popular iteration of Phra Nang is as the spirit of an Indian princess who lost her life in a nearby shipwreck.

Because of the powerful imagery of the lingams, the site has also come to be associated with fertility and virility. In addition to the sanctuary already provided by the surrounding natural beauty, and in spite of its appeal to tourists, the cave has a strong spiritual presence. You might consider including some flowers or incense or other small offering in your picnic basket, and make your own small offering to Phra Nang and prayer for good luck.

Photography by Pip Cummings: The Princess Cave at Phra Nang beach in southern Thailand’s Krabi.

Immerse yourself in the skincare secrets of Eastern beauty culture. Visit luxurious spas while travelling abroad, and try some of their unique tips at home. Story – Sara Foster.

JAPAN

The spa: Sanso Murata is a highly recommended spa inn in southern Japan, an hour’s drive from Oita airport.  Stay in one of their century-old farmhouses, and enjoy the best of Japanese hospitality and your own private spa. 1264-2 Yufuincho Kawakami, Yufu, Oita Prefecture 897-5102.

The DIY treatment: Traditional Japanese beauty treatments include the use of seaweed to cleanse and tone, and white camellia nut oil to hydrate and soften the skin. Or, for an exfoliation treatment with a difference, try a Nightingale bird-dropping facial – said to be used by Victoria Beckham, with top spas charging $200 a treatment! If it’s any encouragement, the droppings are dried, UV treated and crushed into a powder before they reach your face.

CHINA

The spa: At the Chi Spa in the Shangri-La, Shanghai, you will be asked to fill out a questionnaire to determine your mood and thus your Chinese element (from metal, fire, wood, water and earth), which will determine which oils are used during your treatment. http://www.shangri-la.com/en/corporate/chi

The DIY treatment: Skin cleansing in China is all about healthy diet – no alcohol or processed foods – and using tea to cleanse and purify. Try drinking  green, white and oolong teas – all said to have weight-loss and anti-aging properties. Or make your own face mask by mixing together papaya (1 tbsp), yoghurt (1 tbsp) and natural sea salt (1 tsp).

THAILAND

The spa: The Oriental Spa is hidden away in downtown Bangkok, meaning you don’t have to travel hours to get to a resort. This turn-of-the-century house is surrounded by stunning tropical gardens, and offers an array of treatments. You’ll find it located on the Chao Praya River, near Bangkok’s famous temples. http://www.mandarinoriental.com/bangkok/spa/

The DIY treatment: Make a lemongrass broth by adding the herb to hot water and using it to steam your face and open your pores. Alternatively, whip up a traditional Thai face mask by mixing the scooped-out flesh of the papaya fruit with a small amount of fresh lemon and applying to your skin for between 10 to 15 minutes. If you are brave enough, you could also try a popular turmeric concoction – mix a teaspoon of it with a tablespoon of yoghurt, and apply to your face for ten minutes. Do take care, particularly if you have pale skin – as turmeric is bright orange, you may have a tangerine hue until the residue fades!

BALI

The spa: Spa Hati is situated close to Ubud, Bali’s cultural and relaxation mecca. This spa not only offers fabulous treatments in a lush outdoor setting, but is staffed by volunteers, with the money raised going towards community projects. http://www.spahati.com/index.html

The DIY treatment: The most popular Balinese jamus (herbs taken in liquid form) promote overall well-being, and the recipes have been passed down the generations. To make your own, mix together a teaspoon each of turmeric powder, grated fresh ginger, and honey, and then stir the mixture into a cup of hot water. Ginger and turmeric are anti-inflammatory, while honey possesses antibacterial properties. What’s more, it’s said to be delicious!

THE PHILIPPINES

The spa: Sanctuario, in the heart of Malate (a district of Manila), is a truly Filipino spa experience. First, take a dip in a wooden bath tub with hot water of Pito Pito (a blend of seven leaves of seven local medicinal plants). Then receive the Bentosa (suction cups on acupressure points) to clean your system. To finish, have a Dagdagay, which is an authentic Filipino tribal foot massage using bamboo sticks. http://www.sanctuario.com.ph/

The DIY treatment: The calamansi is a local citrus said to be a great exfoliant and skin whitener. Apply a thin layer of the juice over your face and leave to dry. If you don’t have a calamansi to hand, locals also use egg white protein to help oily skin (apply a thin layer on your face with a cotton ball), avocado as a moisturiser, and honey as a moisturiser or bath body soak.

Award-winning travel writer, author  and Holiday Goddess Editor Julie Miller dives into Bangkok’s amazing shopping, from flea-market bargains to  chic designer labels.

Little black dress shopping in Bangkok (Anna Johnson)

Bangkok is one of the great shopping meccas of the world, attracting hordes to its quirky street markets and colossal shopping malls. And it’s not just tourists who love to break out the plastic and loose baht – the locals are also obsessed with finding a bargain, haggling and bartering their way through the traffic-choked streets, bulging shopping bags in hand.

Determining where and when to shop is dependent on one Bangkok constant – the heat. If you don’t mind sweating it out in overwhelming humidity, there is a plethora of markets that tempt not only with fun and cheap shopping, but also with the delights of people watching and a vibrant street culture. At a Thai market, every sense is assaulted with the concrete-cutting screech of vendors, the push and shove of the masses and the delicious aroma of freshly prepared streets snacks, from deep fried bugs to rotis oozing bananas.

If you’re in town on the weekend, Chatuchak market, the largest flea-market in south-east Asia, is an unmissable experience. To get there, take the cheap and efficient Skytrain to the end of the line at Morchit, then follow the crowds to over 10,000 stalls, split into 26 different sections; homewares, clothing, jewellery, handbags, even pets (although rumoured to be a centre for wildlife trafficking, I saw nothing too illegal or endangered in sight, though the miniature bunnies wearing tiaras did look a little traumatised). Make sure you grab a map to negotiate the maze, pausing for coffee breaks or relaxing for half an hour or so with a foot massage, one of the great delights of Thai street culture.

The polar extreme of shopping in Bangkok is found in its mind-boggling mega-shopping malls. Thais are mall-crazy – and when its 40 degrees Celsius outside, there’s no cooler place than wandering around the cavernous, multi-storied super-shops.

The epicentre of malldom is the Skytrain stop of Siam Chit; jump off here to explore the wonders of Siam Square, Central World, Siam Paragon, Siam Discovery and MBK, all connected by over-road walkways to avoid the traffic. The latter is the place to head for absolute bargains, five levels of electronics shops, clothing, cosmetics and luggage. I recently snagged carry-on baggage for AUD$20; while you can also find fake Prada handbags, dirt-cheap jewellery with Tiffany badging and dodgy DVDs if you are so inclined.

Paragon and Gaysorn are the opposite extreme, luxury malls awash with international designer brands and high-end local fashion; while Central World is Bangkok’s largest shopping centre, recently reopened after burning down during the Red Shirt riots. Massive and with every name brand you can imagine, you could really be in any Westfield mall in the world here – impressive it may be, but soulless is an understatement.

More typical of the Thai shopping experience is Platinum Mall, a block behind Central World on Pratanum (much to the mirth of my taxi driver – “Platinum on Pratanum”, he giggled for a good ten minutes…). This fashion mecca offers six stories of fashion and accessories jam-packed into tiny stalls, shoulder to shoulder with bargain hunters. As many of the outlets are wholesalers, prices are ridiculously low – but the downside is there are no changing rooms, so buy at your own peril. And trust me, most of the fashions are designed with the tiny Asian frame in mind – optimistic Western buyers risk looking like heffalumps squeezed into hotpants. A safer bet are handbags, hair accessories and shoes, of which there are plenty available.

Author, travel writer and Holiday Goddess Editor Julie Miller loves the seafaring cats and strawberry margaritas at beautiful Buddha View.

Beautiful Buddha View, Thailand

My feet are dangling a metre above the water, twinkling with darting fish and a mermaid. She’s a little weathered from years submerged, but the Khmer Apsana dancer staring up at me is still an intriguing companion.

This is the last place I expected to be having such a cool dining experience – the Thai island of Koh Chang, in the north-east corner of the Gulf of Thailand near the Cambodian border. But the Buddha View Restaurant has raised the bar for fabulousness in the region, combining European chic with relaxed Thai charm, great food and a seductive ambience.

Chill out and forget city life (Photograph Julie Miller)

Owned by three Belgian friends, Buddha View perches on stilts above the waters of Bang Bao Bay, in the south of Thailand’s second largest island. Bang Bao is a working pier, trawlers docked alongside and women pounding shrimp heads into paste. Seafaring cats wander along the planks squeaking for handouts, and there’s always a fishy whiff in the air.

In the past few years, however, Bang Bao has also become a tourist mecca, with the narrow half-kilometre pier jammed with souvenir sellers, dive shops and restaurants. Guesthouses and private homes have also sprung up, with real estate prices exploding as society folk from Bangkok establish weekender accommodation.

Originally a sprawling Thai restaurant, the Belgians took over Buddha View four years ago, determined to upgrade, modernise and attract a different clientele – namely Europeans. First on the agenda was to convert half of the space to guest accommodation – there are now eight rooms available, simple yet stylish, all with king beds and four with spacious en suite bathrooms.

Dine by the pool and unwind

During the day, guests are welcome to soak up the sun on day beds strategically positioned on the pier; in the evening, these are the perfect place to sip on cocktails (the strawberry margaritas are to die for!), soaking up sunset views and watching the twinkling lights on the bay.

The coolest place to dine, however, is on colourful cushions alongside two large glass-top tables, hovering over holes cut into the original decking. The addition of the mermaid sculptures below, visible only at low tide, make for a mesmerising dining experience.

Matching the chill-out lounge ambience at the Buddha View is the quality of the food – exceptional flavours and presentation, with seafood barbecues and delicious jungle curries a specialty. And of course, you couldn’t get much fresher seafood, straight off the boat and direct to your plate.

Buddha View: 28 Moo 1 Bang Bao Pier, Koh Chang.

www.thebuddhaview.com

Rooms cost from 1000 baht per night in peak season (Dec-Jan), less at other times of the year.

The Dusit Thani is Bangkok’s flagship hotel, designed with a traditional Thai influence with intricate carvings adorning the doors and turrets glittering here and there. A doorman in royal Thai costume (including pointed headgear) greets me as I enter the grand foyer and escorts me in.

Recently celebrating its 40th birthday, Dusit Thani has seen its fair share of royalty, celebrity and action. Some of that action very recent in fact when, only three weeks prior to my visit, the hotel was shot at by Red Shirt protestors. A sniper is rumoured to have taken aim from the rooftop restaurant here on the 21st floor. There are still some impressive bullet holes in the windows, from which you could have viewed all the action during the campaign.

21 floors down as I make my way to Devarana Spa, I enter another world completely. A grand marble staircase leads to a secret palace. Devarana means “Garden in Heaven” and the spa takes its inspiration from this theme.

The name dates back to ancient Thai literature, called “Tribhumpharung”, also known as “Trai bhumikatha”, written by Praya Lithan. Fittingly, the spa was designed by a reknown Thai writer, Ploy Charyaves.

Devarana Spa promises its very own healing garden of heaven with an emphasis on pampering and wellness using world class spa products as well as traditional herbal preparations using fresh, natural ingredients. It’s East meets West health and beauty practises are sourced from age old therapies and modern knowledge.

I’m sampling the Devarana massage, a combination of five massage types. As I lie down on the massage table my senses are greeted with a steaming bowl of kaffir lime and coriander. A fragrant herbal compress in pressed gently over my body from my feet working up to the back of my neck.

Soothing Thai music featuring harp and flute lull me almost to sleep as the massage starts. A combination of the strong pressures of Thai, ayurveda and shiatsu techniques, balanced beautifully with Swedish and aromatherapy influences resulting in an incredibly soothing massage.

My 90 minutes in Heaven’s garden finishes with a relaxing head massage before I emerge refreshed and completely stress-free.

Dusit Thani Bangkok, 946 Rama IV Road, Bangkok, Thailand.
www.devaranaspa.com

Julie Miller takes an aura test at her Thai spa and narrowly avoids having a plastic hose inserted in the wrong place, at the wrong moment…

Call me a prude, but I really don’t want to have colonic irrigation while I’m on a holiday. And if I go to a luxurious day spa, I want to come out feeling relaxed and soothed, not probed and empty.

The consulting physician at the Rarinjinda Wellness Spa in Chiang Mai, Thailand, however, seems determined to release me of all my inner impurities, despite my protestations.

“Are you gassy?” he asks, in front of several of my sniggering colleagues. “Not particularly,” I protest. He then asks me to stick my tongue out, clicking his tongue disapprovingly and once again insisting I am an extremely flatulent person.

My aura test, the result of which is determined by placing my hand on a portable machine that measures areas of heat and energy, also indicates I have heightened emotions, am argumentative and difficult to get along with. Once again, suppressed giggles from my travelling companions.

Finally, I decide to deal with the latter condition rather than my inner workings, settling on a two-hour Ayurvedic oil massage rather than a plastic hose up my nether regions.

Mind you, the description of this ancient Indian ritual is also a little unsettling; I will be lying prone on a table while hot oil is dripped on my forehead, the location of my third eye … akin to a POW torture, it seems.

Blessedly, the experience is the complete opposite; a divinely warm and relaxing process that leaves me in a zen-like state as well as deliciously smooth and moisturised.

Day spas are a way of life in Thailand, from corner foot massage parlours to top-end resorts; even the Chiang Mai Women’s Prison runs a massage school for inmates, giving them a brighter future once they serve their time. Rarinjinda Spa, with outlets in Bangkok as well as the northern city of Chiang Mai, is one of the more upmarket offerings, with a range of treatments designed to deliver a harmonious, holistic health result. Located in a gorgeous ancient teak building, it’s a blissful introduction to the royal treatment that only the Thais can deliver.

There were certainly no more arguments from me; though my travelling companions may have something to say about my flatulence …

Rarinjinda Wellness Spa
14 Charoenraj Road
Chiang Mai
www.rarinjinda.com

Julie Miller ducks the ladyboys and the chandeliers and tries the cocktails at the legendary Ka Jok See.

When one local recommends a restaurant, you take note; when three say it’s an unmissable experience, you book a table. The ex-pat community in Phuket, Thailand, is clearly enamoured with Ka Jok See, a quirky restaurant located in Phuket Town, and its popularity is starting to filter through to canny tourists looking for an exceptional night out without the sleaze often associated with Phuket nightspots.

Located in a quiet back street in an 18th century Sino-Portuguese house, Ka Jok See (which means stained glass, referring to one of the beautiful historic features left intact inside) is so well known amongst the locals there’s no need for signage. The décor is quirky, eclectic, with dangling chandeliers, candles and flowers setting a romantic mood.

Reasonably priced, though not dirt cheap, its menu features popular Thai dishes that suit the Western palate without compromising flavour; it is also licensed, with a decent cocktail list. But really, you don’t come here for the food; it’s more about the atmosphere, which progressively builds throughout the meal as the staff invite diners to dance between courses.

As the night progresses, so the music build from soft jazz to cabaret to techno; until around 10pm, tables and chairs are pushed aside and the dance party begins, with patrons climbing on tables, shouting, singing along – sheer madness. There are half-naked men dripping candle wax on bare chests, limbo dancers, sexy gals strutting in killer heels; and of course, the obligatory ladyboy, swathed in jewels and slinky satin, belting out Whitney Houston hits as only a professional lip-syncher can do.

The party continues into the wee hours; so make sure your reservation is no earlier than 8.30pm, or you could be in a long, albeit memorable, night.

WHERE: 26 Takua Pa Rd, Phuket Town

PHONE: 07621 7903 – reservations essential, particularly on Friday and Saturday night.

Julie Miller climbs on top of an elephant and strikes a pose. It’s yoga, but not as you know it…

It’s not easy doing the lotus pose on an elephant’s head, particularly when its skull is as massive and lumpy as Ewong’s. As I fold my left leg over the right, I wobble precariously from my two-metre high perch, momentarily fearing an embarrassing fall. But somehow I find a comfortable groove behind Ewong’s ears, and I do my best impression of a legitimate yogi, legs crossed, thumb and forefinger pressed together and a serene look on my face. Yes, I’m doing yoga on the back of an elephant!

The Golden Triangle Anantara’s new Jungle Yoga Experience might sound crazy – combining the resort’s two signature experiences, yoga and its elephant mahout courses – but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Elephants are the most zen of creatures, sweet, funny and rarely in a hurry. Closely associated with eastern religion, they are revered in many countries almost (and in the case of Ganesh, literally) as gods; and their wisdom and depth of emotion is well documented.

They are also,  Anantara’s elephant guru John Roberts tells me, masters of their own breath. At rest, an elephant can breathe as little as four to six times per minute, zoning out like the most disciplined of yogis. Clearly we have a lot to learn from these gentle giants.

But really – yoga on elephants? What on earth were they thinking?

“When we first started discussing the idea of combining the elephant experience with yoga, people thought we were crazy,” my instructor Mint tells me. “But we wanted to create a unique signature experience, something you can’t do anywhere else that really speaks about this place. At first we were just planning to ride the elephants to the yoga sala. But then we decided to include some simple poses on the elephant, just to make it really special.”

The two-hour session starts in the cool of the Anantara’s spa, where a 15 minute breath class familiarises beginners with basic breathing techniques used in Hatha Yoga. Then it’s onto the elephant’s back for a short walk to the Baby Elephant Camp, where a thatched stilt hut has been converted into a charming yoga pavilion, complete with silk drapes, overhead fan, cold towels and burning oils. En route, we are told to continue our breathing exercises, concentrating not so much on staying on our towering mounts, but instead on relaxing, meditation, getting into the zone. Easier said than done; though it must be said, the waddle of an elephant is incredibly soothing, a rhythmic and gentle motion which opens hips, thighs and lower back. Plus it’s fun.

Before dismounting, we attempt a few simple, crossed-leg poses from our elevated perch. Nervous types having their first ride on an elephant may baulk at the challenge; but it’s a great confidence booster, and excellent balance practice. Then its onto the yoga in earnest, with an hour’s gentle instruction ideal for beginners.

It’s certainly one of the more unusual locations for a yoga class. The camp is abuzz with the cluck of chickens, the trumpeting of baby elephants and the munching of bamboo; and every now and then, a waft of elephant poo overpowers the scent of burning lavender oil. But it’s so charming, so quirky, so cute – and not nearly as distracting as you’d expect.

Practice over, we remount our pachyderm steeds for a longer trek back to the hotel – this time, however, I concentrate less on my breath and more on the fun. And as I slide off Ewong’s lumpy head and over her trunk to dismount, she gives a little bow and lowers her massive head to the ground – her own version of a yoga pose. Priceless.

Rebecca Sparrow reluctantly shares a secret – the amazing Sand Sea Resort in Thailand, where bungalows can cost below AUD$50 a night.

You know when you discover a place, a getaway, that is so perfect you’re torn between bragging about it to all your friends and… well, telling absolutely no-one so you don’t have to share it? Well the Sand Sea Resort at West Railay Beach in Thailand is one of those places. A few years back when my husband and I were planning a month long holiday in Thailand, my Publisher spilled the beans about this resort and then (immediately regretting it) begged me to keep it to myself. And I did. Until now. (Sorry, MD).

Sand Sea Resort is a fairly simple resort. It’s three stars. You stay in bungalows. There’s no room service. No “pillow menu”. No fancy-schmancy chocolates with the nightly turn down service. Actually, there’s no turn down service. So what’s so good about the place? The location. And the price.

Railay Beach is considered by many to be the most beautiful beach in Thailand. And with no roads, no cars and no buses – it offers the ultimate tranquil getaway. You see, Railay Beach is only accessible by sea. It’s actually a small peninsula in Southern Thailand located between the city of Krabi and Ao Nang. But despite being connected to the mainland, Railay is accessible only by boat due to the surrounding sheer limestone cliffs and steep jungle valleys. So if you’re looking for the ultimate peaceful beach escape – this is it. That said, it’s also an adventurers haven offering rock-climbing, sea kayaking, beach soccer, beach volleyball and plenty of caves and lagoons to explore.

But for me the appeal of Sand Sea was spending my days relaxing by the pool drinking cocktails, reading, drinking cocktails and having Thai massages.

What: Sand Sea Resort, West Railay
Where: Railay Beach is a 15-minute longboat ride from Ao Nang (approx 60 baht per person) or a 45-minute longboat trip from Krabi.
How much: You can get a deluxe bungalow with fan for $48 per night (air conditioned bungalows are available).
For more information: http://www.krabi-hotels.com/sandsea/

Julie Miller saddles up and tries the coolest sport in the world – Elephant Polo in Thailand.

It only took seven minutes for me to become addicted to elephant polo – one chukka of pachyderm madness that would forever change my life. From the moment I slid from a bamboo tower onto a makeshift saddle and spreadeagled my legs obscenely across my friendly jumbo’s back, I was hooked; it was simply the most ridiculous, craziest and coolest thing I had ever attempted.

I’m no sportsperson, mind; but it’s amazing how the competitive spirit took hold as I flailed wildly at the little white ball, my trusty steed plodding into the enormous fray, two-metre-long bamboo mallets clashing amid a logjam of grey wrinkly flesh…

To the casual observer, this so-called sport, not surprisingly devised over cocktails by two drunken colonials, is the slowest, stupidest game on the planet. But being on the back of an elephant, challenging body and mind with a task requiring concentration, hand-eye coordination, gumption and balls (of the testosterone-creating variety) is up there with the all time great adrenaline-pumping thrills.

One saved goal, a few pathetic hits and bucketloads of sweat later, I retire to a thatched shelter to cool off with a cleansing Pimms, chuffed with my success and newfound addiction. And now the real fun begins – conversing with my fellow elephant polo aficionados, an eclectic mix of professional horse polo players, B-grade celebrities, English toffs, ballerinas and adventurers. Every one of them is nuts, plain and simple, with the common trait of not taking life too seriously. Because let’s face it, when your main claim to fame is world elephant polo champion, you need a sense of humour.

Held in the lush Golden Triangle region of northern Thailand, the annual Kings Cup Elephant Polo tournament is not only an excuse for a jolly good party, but it’s also a notable charity event. This is the serious side of the sport – raising awareness and funds to support various elephant projects. In 2007, the money raised by the event and a charity auction went towards buying an elephant ambulance; while in 2009, the money was used to rescue five street elephants, retraining them to work with autistic children in a ground-breaking therapy program.

While the idea of chasing a little white ball around a paddock is not every pachyderm’s idea of fun (though having said that, many of them love it, trumpeting with glee, trunks held high as they charge down the pitch), the two weeks these street eles spend at the tournament are in effect a working holiday, a world apart from their usual life plodding the streets of Bangkok, begging for tourist dollars.

This is the real aim of the event – to showcase a better life for the elephant’s mahout owners, encouraging them to give up their life on the streets for a more worthwhile, sustainable and happier livelihood such as working in the tourist industry.

It’s a win win for the elephants, their owners … and for happy players like me. Tally-ho! (or whatever polo players say)…

WHEN: The Kings Cup Elephant Polo is held every year in March. In 2010, it will be held from March 22—29.

WHERE: The event is hosted by the Anantara Golden Triangle near Chiang Rai in northern Thailand.

FURTHER INFORMATION: www.anantaraelephantpolo.com

Julie Miller discovers the sheer horror of posing for tourist photographs next to a row of oversized wooden phalluses.

Warning – if you are going to pose for a photograph with large wooden phalluses, be careful how you shift your weight. One wrong move and it can all go horribly wrong, as my girlfriend discovered one morning in the Princess Cave on Phranang Beach in Krabi, southern Thailand.

Within seconds, she was on her knees as the oversized penises decorating the cave went a-tumbling; one the size of a tree trunk was particularly hard to haul back into place, a photo opportunity that must rank as one of the most hilarious of all time.

Located under a limestone overhang at the end of a gorgeous, palm-lined stretch of sand, this cave is actually a place of worship, the carved phalluses placed by local fishermen who believe the offerings will appease the Princess spirit who dwells within, thereby helping their catch.

Phranang Beach is one of three beaches on this peninsula not far from Krabi, which is accessible only by boat. Long a secret of backpackers and rock climbers, who flock to some of the most challenging cliffs in the world, Railay Beach (as the isthmus is known) is arguably one of the prettiest places in the world, with longtail boats bobbing on calm emerald waters flanked by looming cliffs clad in dense rainforest. Sandy beaches lure sunworshippers and soccer players; while beachside bars and cafes are an essential part of the relaxed Railay lifestyle.

Rustic bungalows are still the predominant choice of accommodation on the peninsula, but these days life at Railay isn’t cheap, with many of the original establishments beloved by backpackers horrendously overpriced. Instead seek out bargains at newer places; we found a great deal at a new spa property called Bhu Nga Thani with an opening special; while the divine Rayavadee resort occupying prime real estate at the tip of the peninsula is well worth the splurge.

Full details: Rayavadee

by Julie Miller

It only took seven minutes for me to become addicted to elephant polo – one chukka of pachyderm madness that would forever change my life. From the moment I slid from a bamboo tower onto a makeshift saddle, legs akimbo across my friendly jumbo’s back, I was hooked; it was simply the most ridiculous, craziest and coolest thing I had ever attempted.

I’m no sportsperson, mind, but it’s amazing how the competitive spirit took hold as I flailed wildly at the little white ball; my trusty steed plodding into the enormous fray, two-metre-long bamboo mallets clashing amid a logjam of grey wrinkly flesh.

To the casual observer, this so-called sport, not surprisingly devised over cocktails by two drunken colonials, is the slowest, stupidest game on the planet. But being on the back of an elephant, challenging body and mind with a task requiring concentration, hand-eye coordination, gumption and balls (of the testosterone-creating variety) is up there with the all-time great adrenaline-pumping thrills.

One saved goal, a few pathetic hits and bucket-loads of sweat later, I retire to a thatched shelter to cool off with a cleansing Pimms, chuffed with my success and newfound addiction. And now the real fun begins – conversing with my fellow elephant polo aficionados, an eclectic mix of professional horse polo players, B-grade celebrities, English toffs, ballerinas and adventurers. Every one of them is bonkers, plain and simple, with the common trait of not taking life too seriously. Because let’s face it, when your main claim to fame is world elephant polo champion, you need a sense of humour.

Held in the lush Golden Triangle region of northern Thailand, the annual Kings Cup Elephant Polo tournament is not only an excuse for a jolly good party, but it’s also a notable charity event. This is the serious side of the sport – raising awareness and funds to support various elephant projects. In 2007, the funds raised by both the polo event and a charity auction went towards buying an elephant ambulance; while in 2009, the money was used to rescue five street elephants, retraining them to work with autistic children in a ground-breaking therapy program.

While the idea of chasing a little white ball around a paddock is not every pachyderm’s idea of fun (though having said that, many of them love it, trumpeting with glee, trunks held high as they charge down the pitch), the two weeks these elephants spend at the tournament are in effect a working holiday, a world apart from their usual life plodding the streets of Bangkok, begging for tourist dollars.

This is the real aim of the event – to showcase a better life for the elephant’s mahout owners, encouraging them to give up their life on the streets for a more worthwhile, sustainable and happier livelihood such as working in the tourist industry.

It’s a win-win for the elephants, their owners … and for happy players, like me. Tally-ho! (or whatever polo players say)…

WHEN: The Kings Cup Elephant Polo is held every year in March. In 2010, it will be held from March 22-29.

WHERE: The event is hosted by the Anantara Golden Triangle near Chiang Rai in northern Thailand.

FURTHER INFORMATION: www.anantaraelephantpolo.com

Now this is ridiculous. A secret Thai island with chalets for well under ten pounds a night? Beautiful quiet beaches? Expect body scrubs, pools, cooking classes and diving. The yoga is sensational, we hear. It’s called The Sanctuary and there is a wellness centre too, with fasting detoxes. For more information visit thesanctuarythailand.

It’s not expensive to fly there from Bangkok but only pack the basics – in most cases you’re flying with around a 15kg allowance! For more information visit http://www.bangkokair.com

Rumored to be controlled by the underworld, the Samui taxis don’t want to take you anywhere unless they leave the meter off and charge at least 300B – on Bangkok rates you’d be circling the island enough times to wear a rut. Thus, ensure a good start by using your hotel’s “limousine” service to get in from the airport – which may be a minibus but it will probably cost the same.

Four-wheel drives loop the road around the island until after midnight. Their destinations are marked on the windscreen and you sit on a bench in the back. Ask the price before you get in. Should be 50-100B each for most trips – If they try it on smile, wave and wait for next one.

The oddity of island life is that everyone assumes you know where things are. There are plenty of free maps but they are of questionable value. Disregard the dyslexic street numbering on Chaweng Beach Road. Look out for the landmarks, ask the locals, and remember because it’s an island you can’t get lost!

You can stay at the main town Chewang  but it’s more chill-worthy to stay on one of the beaches.

For a beachy break at Big Buddha Beach (Bangruk) book  Punnpreeda Resort  (around 3000+B)
www.punnpreeda.com

Closer to the mayhem in Chewang take a beach front bungalow on King’s Resort (around 2500B)
www.kings-garden-resort.com .

The Page restaurant in The Library has Thai and Western, food on the beachfront, under the trees.. (Mains 200-800B). Sculptures referencing some very rude rock formations lying on the bottom end of Lamia beach indicate the toilets. If you want to stay at The Library visit  www.thelibrary.name   (Rooms 10000- 16000B)

The Sila Evanson Hideaway restaurant, at the northern-most point of the island, is built on a number of wooden levels going down the cliff face. Go for sundowners and dinner and enjoy the vista. It’s priced like a glam restaurant at home but well worth it. Try calling them to pick you and take you home in their BMW – it may be the same price as a taxi. Visit www.sixsenses.com/hideaway-samui/dining.php

Koh Samui is spa Mecca but it’s not a bargain so make sure you get a real experience. Tamarind Springs near Lamai beach is outdoors in a groovy bush land setting. After treatments the new you can eat at their café or cross the main road to Spa Sumui for some creative organics in a Gilligan’s Island setting.
Treatments are around  2000B to 5000B. Visit www.tamarindsprings.com

Fancy a drink? The Ruby Red Lounge is a cool quiet little pad upstairs and opposite the Central resort on Chewang Beach Road. It’s meant for the boys but welcomes everyone. Have a sundowner here but the sauna downstairs is definitely not for chicks!

Finally, remember you too can hang with the backpackers. Ark Bar on north Chewang Beach Road has bed seating on the beach, unobtrusive hits playing from  last century and a big big screen for UK football fans. Cheap food from Chops to Tom Yum Gai is on offer and the local kids will beat you at Connect 4.

Here’s a tip – Did you know that Koh Samui has more publications per head of population than most places in Asia?  Every hotel, spa, bar you’ll find a bunch of new Samui mags you haven’t seen before.  There are plenty to read at either of the Starbucks at Chewang Beach Road.

My recommendations on this particular Samui trip -

Stay:
www.sawadee.com/hotels/samui.html
Eat::
www.samuidiningguide.com/
Revive:
www.samuispaguide.com/

Who was it that said you could never be too thin or too spiritual? Whoever it was must have read my mind.

I was in need of a break from city life. I was tired, stressed, a little down and very, very toxic. I needed a detox or a holiday – or both.

So I turned to my old friend, Google. I told him I wanted to ‘fast’ (bring on that weight loss), do ‘daily yoga’ (toned and Zen, please), have a ‘pool’ (a tan would be nice), and be in an ‘exotic destination.’

He gave me a list of worthy options, but as we all know, life is about location, location, location. So I chose Thailand. A ten-day detox on the island of Phuket? Perfect.

The website seemed to answer all my questions:

• Are you at a crossroads looking for a new direction? “Oh yes.”
• Do you have a hunch that your life could be better than it is? “Too bloody right.”
• Do you want to stay young, live longer and be happier? “Of course, although not totally sure about getting old.”
• Would you like to live life to its fullest and enhance performance in your work? “It would be good to cut down on coffee…”

So I called the owner. My first concern was accommodation as I was going on my own. I was assured the resort was completely safe. Then I asked if they had a pool, as I imagined there would be plenty of feeling weak and reading. He said “yes”, so I gave him my credit card details and he booked me in.

The programme I had chosen sounded completely terrifying. No eating or chewing for 10 whole days. No sugar at all. Not even any juice. All I would ingest was water and supplements, and herbs to help with the cleansing process. Oh, and there would be DIY colonic irrigations. The only easy part seemed to be the daily yoga.

However, I was assured that I would be a whole new person after just 10 days, having cleansed myself of all my physical and emotional toxins. And that sounded good to me…

As my plane touched down, to say that I was terrified is actually an understatement. I was on my own, I was already hungry at the thought of not eating, and I had never, ever had anything – let alone a pipe-full of water – up my bottom. Not surprisingly, I arrived, shaking, at the resort. The owner greeted me with a smile and handed me a bill.

‘What’s this for?’ I asked.

‘The deposit’.

‘But I gave you my credit card,’ I said.

‘We don’t take cards.’

Good start. As he drove me the bank, I pondered why he took my card numbers in the first place. When we returned, I was taken to my room, which was at the end of a dusty track far away from the main resort. When I asked about the pool, I was told it was a ten-minute drive away in another hotel.

I was about to tell him I didn’t feel entirely safe on my own in a hut by a main road, but then I remembered I’d just given the man my money. I was beginning to feel a little un-Zen.

Not so fast…

The fast began the following day. I was awoken at seven in order to take my herbs. The yoga began at 7.30. This was followed by a group discussion. There were about five others in the group and they all looked as scared as me. The guy who ran the place seemed keen to get them over with as soon as possible, but they – and the look on the others’ faces – continued throughout the 10 days.

Soon it was time for my first colonic. We were taken to a cubicle where there was a bucket of water with a tube coming down from it. Below that was a colonic board, with one side propped up on a stool and the other on the loo. Not exactly hi- tech. In fact, it looked like something made on Blue Peter.

I’ll spare you the details, but it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought. In fact, in some ways, it was the least painful part of the trip.

For instance, the five-minute walk from my ‘villa’ to the resort involved being chased by dozens of angry chickens and barked at by various vicious-looking dogs.

Several times a day I would make a run for it while the local children laughed themselves silly. I felt like I was starring in Attack of the Thai Killer Chickens. By the time I got to my yoga class or whatever, I was usually tense, sweaty and neurotic.

Another less than enjoyable aspect of the stay was the actual programme. The herbs were just about bearable, but the Psyllium and clay (yes I drank clay) were vile and made me gag three times a day. (The Psyllium was a cleanser and the clay was supposed to expand inside you and attract toxins.)

Although I didn’t miss food as much as I thought I would, I did begin to feel slightly weak and more than a little tetchy.

The owner tried to help by presenting me with a copy of ‘Supersize Me‘ on DVD. I’m not normally a huge fan of junk food, but after watching it with only a glass of clay for company, I began to fantasise about cheeseburgers and fries. I don’t think this was the reaction he was going for.

Fortunately, the weather was glorious. But the thought of hiring a scooter and risking life and limb to drive all the way to someone else’s pool was a bit much in my weakened state. And although my villa had a terrace, it was on a main road which wasn’t exactly private.

The high point of the trip was – I have to say – one blissful day of shopping. One of the other fasters took me on the back of his scooter to see some of Phuket. We had to bring our Psyllium and clay with us, but it really is a beautiful island.

The beaches are incredible and the views from some of the vantage points are breathtaking. It was post-Tsunami (which is one of the reasons I’d chosen Phuket) and it’s amazing to see how rapidly they have re-built the island. And the shopping was a great distraction, even if the smell of food around us was tauntingly evil…

With a few days to go on my holiday, I suddenly became ill with terrible heartburn. I asked the owner what he thought was going on, but he just suggested I go to a doctor. Given that fasting is supposed to be a natural way to fix yourself, I wasn’t too impressed. So, I stuck it out; sleeping lots and lying in my air-conditioned room watching DVDs.

When the final day dawned, I couldn’t have been happier. In fact, I was smiling like an idiot. I’m afraid to say, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. As I said goodbye to the owner I had to query the bill, as I had been charged for several treatments I had never received. I could have flown home by myself – without a plane.

When I returned to my beloved city, I vowed never to leave it again.

So would I recommend a detox break in Thailand?